Understanding Marriage: After Marriage what next…(part 3)

Part 003
3) After
Finally, Alhamdulillah we reach our target.
Remember this; the moment Nikkah is pronounced;  know that it was meant to be and so it became.
Finally you can chitchat, and everything that was not allowed then now it’s fully allowed, it’s even encouraged.
Now you can start your Love story.
Try your best to be the best wife ever. Even if you find out about things you dislike. He is a human too, so please understand some mistakes and try together to change and correct them.
But still be a good wife, your goodness in character may change him. As many said actions speak louder than words. So use your non verbal skills to communicate with your spouse either showing dislike of an act or interest of an act.
Remember the first months are very important, you have to keep your foundation firm and strong. And don’t think: “Later on in life He will change” No! You have to start the change right away. And of course be wise and use polite talk.
Try waking up for Qiyamul layl with him, practice a sunnah act.
Stand up for your principles. .e.g. if in your principles you don’t watch movies nor listen to music, stand firm with it.
Language of love and respect should be the one used.
Don’t smile/laugh at another person’s mocking story, if he did mock/criticize another person and you showed happiness to it by laughing, just know that later on in life things will turn around and you will be the one being mocked/criticized. So don’t complain. That’s why you may hear stories of husbands calling their wives nasty words like pig, donkey, you know such stuff. You have to show where you stand right from the beginning. As they say: “when the clay is still wet you can mold it to your desired shape but when it dries up then it’s very hard to mold it again” That’s an example of a husband: still at early months/years of marriage, show him where you stand and your principles. And don’t be late or keep postponing with the thought that Allah will change him. Yes! Allah can change him but you try your best to keep things in the right way before it’s too late. Hope you get my point here.
Standing firm in prayers should be your goal. Reading Qur’an together. One reading the other listening.
These all are examples of things you would love to do which will help you build your foundation islamically.
After all that, I would love to add some notes of a sister in Islam whom I took help from. Actually I took help from many sisters but, she explained the following very well and combined all thoughts together (baaraka Allah feeha):
“Marriage is a blessing Alhamdulillah where Allah SWT brings known or unknown hearts together. The married couple are the stars of their wedding day. So much preparation and effort of parents, relatives, and even friends for that special day Mashaa Allah.
The brides have so many dreams of their groom and in laws.
Not all times we get the expected dreams come true so we try to adjust and compromise or just digest for sake of our loved ones. Marriage may look like a bed of roses but we come to know it has thorns if we experience it. But all of it is part and parcel of life. Nothing to be worried about if we are easy going and patient, surely! Allah SWT would open his doors of mercy Alhamdulillah. Allah is with those who are patient.
Some sisters are yearning to be married and some remain single forever, but they keep the pain in their hearts and pretend to be happy girls. So Masha Allah we are chosen to be married and now the game is in our hands, we have to play carefully and wisely. Any move we make should consider the whole family, or else we would be caught.
A bride has more responsibilities than others in the new relationship. We have to surely follow some etiquette:
1) Respect your husband to the fullest: it means don’t let him down even for joke anywhere especially before his in laws. Always support him, if he is wrong advice him personally. And tell clearly that you too expect the same from him, because in first few months or years we would experience a lot of mocking and that which would we have never come across, (just to add don’t talk whenever you both are questioned about something, let him answer). When your with your hubby are in front of relatives or in laws, men have some sense of ego in them, they like to feel respected, so give him that.
2) Two new families are bonded so you cannot expect similarities in all the routines and habits etc. We may sometimes have to force ourselves to adapt to theirs, all the brides surely face this beautiful challenge. Sacrifice.
3) Respect your in-laws: speak in a respective manner and in a soft tone. No back answering even if they are wrong. It would solve most of the problems. Solution to all problems is  Silence & Smile  Sometimes we need to apologize for their misunderstanding, it is not new in any family. Keep a distance until you fully know them and trust them that is don’t tell them all the secrets about you because later they might backfire.
3)Don’t take all the complaints to your parents and husband.
You cannot tell anything and everything to your husband about his family and to your parents about your husband. Think and tell him if really they need to interfere. Sometimes small problems would be blown big due to their interference.
4)  Appreciate and love your husband and his family for even small petty things. Especially ladies.
Everyone likes fame!
5) No revealing your bedroom secrets to anybody, even to your family and  friends unless any problem or need. It should be forever a secret. Prophet (saw)has forbidden the sharing of intimate bedroom secrets between husband and wife.
6) Unity is strength: so you can quarrel within your family but should pretend outside that nothing had happened, especially if you have sister -in- laws  and co sisters, you have to establish a good relationship even though it seems to be silly. #United we stand; Divided we fall.
7) Buy gifts often to cool them or surprise them with good cooking or taking them out.
Inspite of all this they would look down at us. We shouldn’t care about their ill feelings. Not all times we can be saints, but we can try to minimize things happening without taking a big face which can change our life totally upside down. Treat them as how you will love to be treated back.
8) Motto to repeat in mind often is:
“Allah SWT is with those who are patient” This is what keeps us going on.
These are the basic tips that should be strictly followed for all the brides.
Later years will pass by and you would see the beautiful results for your patience. Things turn around now you are the Queen.
With lots of love, kisses, and hugs to my Sisters in Islam.

Written by: Sr. Amatullah B.M.

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