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How to move on from a Haram relationship.

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بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم
You couldn’t control your gaze that day and therefore you ended up exchanging numbers. Some meetings took place and now you cannot live without him. The world looks incomplete without him and the thought of living your life without him gives you anxiety and depression. Your life is worthless without him and the thought of being without him tempts you to end your life. Right?
But there is also an unidentifiable misery and emptiness deep within. Guilt and shame is tearing you apart and consuming you like a parasite, leaving you with no sense of peace. You want to get rid of the negative feelings, but you don’t know how.
Truly, things which are not pleasing to Allah, which He has forbidden on His slaves will never bring you happiness, contentment, and joy. It may be that you argue, “But I’m happy with him/her!” Little do you realize that sins might give you a taste of the finest delicacies, but it can never satisfy you nor bring you true contentment. And remember, for the sake of your supposed “happiness” you took that step to enter a harâm relationship and now it’s only bringing misery and stress.
Why? You know it very well! Once again, I repeat, anything which displeases Allah will only bring you misery and destruction. How can you seek happiness from a creation which is displeasing your Creator? There is a reason why your Creator has set boundaries. He knows the temptations and weaknesses of the human souls can be a trial and you are precious to Him. That is why he has made it compulsory to pursue a relationship through honorable means — by sending a proposal through the parents or guardians of the girl. The honest, forthright relationship — marriage — demands dignity, respect, honesty, and responsibility from a man; and not the careless behavior of one who is merely fulfilling his desires. It is not a joke or game; it concerns the rest of your life, and I’m sure you understand the seriousness of the matter.
Dearest brothers and sisters, think this over very carefully. What if you die while in this state of being in a harâm relationship? How will you answer to your Lord? What will you say? A relationship outside the sanctity of marriage, prohibited at all levels, will always bring more pain than happiness. While naive girls may think they have found “the one,” many guys use “love”to hide their true intentions; and both are inevitably falling into a pit that will lead to misery and destruction. The former’s heart is overcome by sadness and the latter’s hardened by deceit. A real man, a mu’min, a true believer who has taqwa, will always find a way to your parents without excuses, lies, or deception and without stringing you along or keeping you on a leash.
Now, what was done is done and no one can change the past or go back to it; but once you have made the decision to strive to change, how will you let go and move on? In most cases, it is the fear of loneliness that prevents one from giving up a prohibited relationship. Do not let that hold you back! It’s better to be alone and have the pleasure of your Creator than being in despised relationship while earning the wrath of your Lord. It will take time, but you will heal.
The first thing you have to do is repent. Repent for your sins, ask for His forgiveness and make a concious effort to never return to that sin, no matter what, and do a lot of good deeds in the hope that Allah will accept your repentance and turn your bad deeds into good. Allah says (interpretation of the meaning):
68. And those who invoke not any other ilaah (god) along with Allaah, nor kill such person as Allaah has forbidden, except for just cause, nor commit illegal sexual intercourse ___ and whoever does this shall receive the punishment.
69. The torment will be doubled to him on the Day of Resurrection, and he will abide therein in disgrace;
70. Except those who repent and believe (in Islamic Monotheism), and do righteous deeds; for those, Allaah will change their sins into good deeds, and Allaah is Oft‑Forgiving, Most Merciful.
71. And whosoever repents and does righteous good deeds; then verily, he repents towards Allaah with true repentance.
[al-Furqaan 25:68-70]
Secondly, make lots of du’a for yourself that He gives you firmness on this decision.
Thirdly, block all the communications with him/her from every social site and mutual friends.
Perform istikharah and seek the family to proceed if there is hope for marriage. If everything is favorable, then the parents/guardians should proceed with a proposal.
If he is not ready to consider marriage or approach your parents , then understand he is not meant for you. He was just after his desires and for the sake of lust and play he was spending time, money and his attention on you. A boy who was just playing around will never be a responsible husband to you nor a good father to your children and you don’t want to compromise on that.
Ibn Al Qayyim said, “Those who treat their haram love for the opposite gender by spending time with them are in reality only increasing themselves in sadness (Ighathat Al-lahfan, page 60).”
And also take a note on the following points:
Studies have shown that most of the marriages that are based on prior love between a man and woman fail, whereas most marriages that are not based on haraam relationships, which people call “traditional marriages,” succeed.
In a field study done by a French sociologist, the conclusion was: Marriage is more likely to succeed when the two parties did not fall in love before marriage.
In another study of 1500 families, undertaken by Professor Isma’eel ‘Abd al-Baari, the conclusion was that more than 75% of love marriages ended in divorce, whilst the rate among traditional marriages – those which were not based on prior love – was less than 5%.
We will mention the most important causes of this outcome:
1- Emotion blinds one to seeing faults and dealing with them, as it is said: “Love is blind.” One or both parties may have faults that make them unsuitable for the other, but those faults only become apparent after marriage.
2- The lovers may think that life is an unending journey of love, so we see that they only speak of love and dreams, etc. They never speak about the problems of life and how to deal with them. This notion is destroyed after marriage, when they are confronted with the problems and responsibilities of life.
3- The lovers are not used to debate and discussion, rather they are used to sacrifice and compromise in order to please the other party. Often they have arguments because each party wants to compromise and please the other. Then the opposite happens after marriage, and their arguments lead to a problem, as each one is used to the other agreeing with him or her, without any argument.
4- The image that each lover has of the other is not a true image, because each party is being kind and gentle and trying to please the other. This is the image that each is trying to present to the other during the so-called “love” phase, but no one can carry on doing that throughout his or her life, so the true image appears after marriage, and leads to problems.
5- The period of love is usually based on dreams and exaggerations that do not correspond with the reality that appears after marriage. The lover may think that he is going to bring her a piece of the moon, and he will never be happy unless she is the happiest person in the world, and so on. But in return, she is going to live with him in one room and on the ground, and she has no requests or demands so long as she has won him, and that is sufficient for her. As one of them said, “A small nest is sufficient for us” and “A small morsel is sufficient for us” and “I will be content if you give me a piece of cheese and an olive”! This is exaggerated emotional talk, and both parties quickly forget it after marriage, and the woman complains about her husband’s miserliness, and his failure to meet her needs. Then the husband begins to complain about having too many demands and too many expenses.
For these reasons and others, we are not surprised when each party says after marriage that they were deceived and that they rushed into it. The man regrets not marrying So-and-so who was suggested to him by his parents, and the woman regrets not marrying So-and-so whom her parents approved of, but in fact they rejected him because of her wishes. So the result is this very high rate of divorce for marriages which people thought would be examples of the happiest marriages in the world! (islamqa – 84102)
Now how do you cope with a heartbreak? If things do not turn out the way you wanted, accept the decree of Allah and have tawakkul that if He has not let this person remain in your life, it was for your own good. We don’t know the future but surely He knows. We don’t know what harm this person could have brought to you. Have tawakkul. He will replace what you have lost with someone who is far better.
Here are a few tips to help you along the way of this healing process:
* Occupy yourself with productive activities. Engage yourself in seeking knowledge of Islam. Take tafseer, tilawah, and hifdh courses. Make righteous friends who will push you to be a better slave, who will encourage you, motivate you to move on, and remind you of patience and good deeds.
* Do not talk about and disclose that you were ever part of such a relationship. Allah swa doesn’t like those who talk about their sins.
*Delete any contact details you have of the person; delete their number, email, and address.
*Delete and block this person from any social media accounts you have—Twitter, Instagram, Facebook, Snapchat, Tumblr, etc.
*Delete any pictures and videos that you have of them or any pictures or videos together.
*Try not to think about them! Easier said than done, but the more you think about them, the more distressed and upset you will become, so try to distract yourself by doing housework or reciting Quran. Make istighfar every time you catch yourself thinking of them or do dhikr.
*Stay away from any romance movies.
*Do not check up on them or contact them in any way. They have made it clear that they don’t want to marry you and make the relationship halal, so you have no reason to talk to them.
*If they contact you, do not answer! You have no reason to. If they intended to marry you, they would have done the right thing in the first place by approaching your parents and theirs.
*Avoid places you went together and places they may hang out.
*Avoid stalking them in any way, including regularly checking their last seen on WhatsApp and when and what they may have posted on their social media accounts.
*Let go of hard feelings! This is a tough one; you feel like this person messed around with you and couldn’t do the right thing, but avoid having ill feelings towards them and just pray that Allah guides that person and the right path is made easier for them inn shâ Allah.
*Reconnect with your friends. Pray together, recite Quran together, talk about Allah.
* Have faith in Allah. He knows what is best for you.
*Pray five times a day. This helps you stay calm and at peace as well as completing your obligatory prayers.
* Recite the Quran daily. Even a verse from the Quran helps you stay strong and at peace.
*Pray Tahajjud before Fajr. Imam AshShafi’i is reported to have said, “The du’â made at Tahajjud is like an arrow which does not miss its target.”
I pray for all of you that Allah forgives all your past and future sins and protect you from every evil and bless you with what is best for your eemaan in this life and the hereafter.
سُبْحَانَكَ اللَّهُمَّ وَبِحَمْدِكَ، أَشْهَدُ أَنْ لَا إِلَهَ إِلَّا أَنْتَ، أَسْتَغْفِرُكَ وَأَتُوبُ إِلَيْكَ.
-Bint_Rafiq

References
https://islamqa.info/en/82010
https://islamqa.info/en/106288
https://islamqa.info/en/82941
https://islamqa.info/en/47405

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_Here are a few tips to help you along the way of this healing process: 🔹Delete any contact details you have of the person, delete their number, email and address. 🔹Delete/Block this person off any social media that includes: Twitter, Instagram, FaceBook, SnapChat, Pinterest and even Tumblr! 🔹Delete any pictures and videos that you have of them or any pictures or videos together. 🔹Try not to think about them! I know its easier said then done but the more you think about them the more distressed and upset you will become so try to distract yourself by doing a house chore or reading the Qurʾān. You can also say ʾAstaghfirullāh every time you get a thought about them or do dhikr. 🔹Stay away from any romantic movies (Especially bollywood movies!) 🔹Do not check up on them or contact them in any way possible. They have made it clear that they do not want to marry you and make the relationship Ḥalāl, so you have no reason to talk to them. 🔹If they contact you do not answer! You have no reason to. If they intended to marry you they would have done the right thing in the first place and approached your parents and theirs. 🔹Avoid places you went together and avoid any places they may hang out. 🔹Avoid stalking them in any way that includes: keep checking their last seen on WhatsApp and when and what they may have posted on their social media accounts. 🔹Let go of hard feelings! This is a tough one, you feel like this person messed you around and could not do the right thing. But avoid having ill feelings towards them, just pray that Allāh ‎ﷻ guides that person and that the right path is made easier for them ʾIn Shāʾ Allāh. 🔹Reconnect with your friends. Pray together, recite Qurʾān together, talk about Allāh 🔹Have faith in Allāh, He ‎ﷻ knows whats best for you. 🔹Pray five times a day, this helps you stay calm and at peace. As well as completing your obligatory prayers. 🔹Pray the Qurʾān daily, even a verse from the Qurʾān helps you stay strong and at peace. 🔹Pray Tahajjud Ṣalāh before Fajr. It is said that, “The duʿāʾ made at Tahajjud is like an arrow which does not miss its target.” ʾImām Ash-Shafi . #allah #haramrelationships #getclosertoallah #haramisharam

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