Question:
Assalam Aleikum
I hope you are doing good.
Please guide me on the tips that I should use to get away of the thoughts.
I was blessed with a baby girl in 2016 and have been going through a tough time battling for her survival.
We’ve been in hospitals in different countries worldwide just trying to find a cure for the disease she was suffering.
The disease wasn’t known and she passed away last year Alhamdulillah ala kulli haal and we still didn’t know what exactly was her disease. Every doctor told us different things yet we’ve travelled all the way to India to Russia to Germany just to find a cure.
Since I’ve been so used to the way of life and routine when I was with her. Now it’s hard for me to change. I keep crying and just miss her. I don’t like staying around people since her death. I just stay away.
I am in a very bad state mentally and I really need help. It’s like I say I accept Qadar but my heart still doesn’t want to.
I feel my heart very heavy. Please IR help a mother out here. Jzk.
Answer:
Dear Sister,
Wa Alaikum Assalaam wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuhu
My sincere condolences for your loss.
You are grieving. You lost something that is most precious in this Dunya, your offspring. Death of a loved one is one of the most painful experiences, and losing a child is the worst…Nothing I will say can relieve you of your pain.
Do you know that your precious sweetheart is with Allah ﷻ and will go to Jannah? We can’t be certain about our own deaths and our family whether we will make it to Jannah. We try our best in this Dunya and we hope for the best for the Aakhirah, but with your baby, she is safe. And you will meet your baby there in the hereafter, Allah ﷻ Willing, where there is no death and no sadness. So this pain of yours; it is temporary, my sister. And you will be rewarded for all this pain. May Allah ﷻ compensate you beautifully for it. Our beloved Messenger ﷺ also lost many of his children, and he wept a lot when his baby Ibrahim passed away.
We are, after all, humans. Even when we know it was Allah’s ﷻ will, our heart still cries and grieves, and doesn’t want to accept the loss and pain. It’s okay. Denial is the first phase of grief. Our heart refuses to believe at first that a tragedy has happened, and it wants it all back as it was. As time passes, your heart will accept what has happened.
Keep reminding yourself that whatever Allah ﷻ does has a reason behind it. Her life was meant to be short, and in return, her paradise is guaranteed. She is no longer in pain; no more illness for her. She possibly would have suffered for the rest of her life had she lived longer, so Allah ﷻ showed her mercy by ending her suffering.
There is no way out except by walking through the pain. I will suggest some things to help you. Trust Allah ﷻ; He will heal you and things will get better. Don’t let people rush you into a “normal” behaviour. Mourning is for 3 days, but grief has no limit. You can take your time to heal, but try your best to do the following:
- Talk
It’s okay to feel low and not want to socialise at this time. It will help if you keep in touch with people who are going through the same situation. Meet people or join online forums or chat groups where you can talk to mothers who experience the same pain as yours. Look for such support groups.
Don’t bottle your feelings, but express them to the right people. If you feel comfortable, talk to your husband, family members or friends who can give you the needed support. If what you need from them is to leave you alone for now, tell them that.
You might want to consider professional counselling as well. I do recommend it if you think you are spiralling out of control. A grief counsellor is trained to help you handle this.
- Pray
Endlessly! Ask your Rabb ﷻ for help. Ask Him ﷻ to heal you and to grant you patience. Ask Him ﷻ to give you a baby with good health, and once you get that, your current pain will be a thing of the past, InShaAllah.
Whenever you feel the pain surfacing, repeat the words “inna lillahi wa inna ilaihi rajioon”. Keep saying Alhamdulillah.
- Keep busy
This is very important. You must take up something that doesn’t leave room for thoughts- a hobby, a job, volunteering, or anything that keeps you occupied. Care for an orphan, help someone in need, or help someone in pain. Study, join a course, read the Quran with understanding/ translation + Tafseer. Do anything that interests you.
- Self-care
Take care of yourself. It’s hard, I know. But try to care for yourself by eating the right foods and seeking the help that you need. Eating barley will soothe your heart. Go for long walks with your husband or with a friend. Play a sport if that’s possible. Exercise will help your body secrete chemicals that uplift the mood. Listen to the Quran, especially before sleeping, and try to sleep well. Practice deep breathing exercises.
Allah ﷻ does not burden us beyond our scope. He is The Most Merciful, and He will help you. All you have to do is ask Him. I am sure you’re doing it already, so I’m just reminding you to not give up. Besides prayer, you have to make the effort to distract yourself. It will help you in the process of healing.
May He ﷻ grant you peace. Aameen!
Written by: Aunty Anjum
Edited By: The Editorial Team
© The Islamic Reflections Blog
