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A step by step guidance to understanding marriage: Before marriage, what to do…(part 1)

I have decided to divide this topic into three major subtopics:
1) Before
2) Within
3) After

Part 001
1- Before you say Yes! or No!
In different aspects of life we always have goals we want to achieve. But we should not forget that our main and only real goal is to enter Jannah. So what’s your goal for getting married?
– Your spouse being your ticket to Jannah
– Having a Family
– Making a Family through your kids
– Having Fun all your life thinking that marriage is a bed of roses which always makes you live happily ever after. But honestly, there are thorns on that bed which can either sting so badly or softly, and trials. And that’s what Allah told us when He said:

وَلَنَبْلُوَنَّكُم بِشَيْءٍ مِّنَ الْخَوْفِ وَالْجُوعِ وَنَقْصٍ مِّنَ الْأَمْوَالِ وَالْأَنفُسِ وَالثَّمَرَاتِ وَبَشِّرِ الصَّابِرِينَ

“And We will most certainly try you with somewhat of fear and hunger and loss of property and lives and fruits; and give good news to the patient.” (Surah Al-Baqara, Verse 155)
The mentioned things surround our lives. Allah tells us He will try and test us on these things and all that we need to have is this beautiful character: Sabr (Patience).
[I am not trying to scare you, but just be open to anything and don’t close your minds to what the media says]
-Pleasing your Desires
-Completing Half your deen. Sunnah.
– Raising an Ummah for the Muslims
– Keeping family ties,
and so on.
You may have plenty of goals, but there’s this one main goal which you desire to have, and you know better to just think about what your Heart wants and not what your Mind wants. Many people always go for their mind. But wait a second. Who gave them these thoughts? They didn’t come from your inner instincts, so follow your Heart.
Qualities to look for:

  1. Deen
  2. Husnul Khulq
  3. Ability to Take care of you financially.

4.Mukaafa’a – Same level of class (Optional). Some scholars say it’s very important but others say it’s not, it depends on the agreement of both.
This means for example, a rich girl being married to a poor guy. It happens, but mostly by choice and agreement.
A profound meaning of the Deen:
The scholars defined this as the relationship of the guy with Allah – does he fulfill Allah’s obligations (salah e.t.c)? Does he give Allah His due huquq (rights)? Does he obey Allah’s shariah or is he among the disobedient? Does he commit major sins? if you find it as true don’t think further before you say a Big NO.
An example of how you may know:
Does he pray? Because Allah tells us:

اتْلُ مَا أُوحِيَ إِلَيْكَ مِنَ الْكِتَابِ وَأَقِمِ الصَّلَاةَ إِنَّ الصَّلَاةَ تَنْهَىٰ عَنِ الْفَحْشَاءِ وَالْمُنكَرِ وَلَذِكْرُ اللَّهِ أَكْبَرُ وَاللَّهُ يَعْلَمُ مَا تَصْنَعُونَ

“Recite that which has been revealed to you of the Book and keep up prayer; surely prayer keeps (one) away from indecency and evil, and certainly the remembrance of Allah is the greatest, and Allah knows what you do.” Surah Al-Ankaboot, Verse 45.
Prayer is a great act of worship, and it’s the one that keeps one from indecent acts and evil.
How will you know he prays or not? Do your research/investigation, ask the imam of nearest masjid to his place, ask people about him, the neighbors, ask whomever you can. Ask if he attends Fajr prayer? The Fajr prayer is very important. If he is a lazy goer of masjid, you will know by his Fajr attendance report. Salatul Fajr shows the Imaan of a person.
We should ask about him, but when?
Don’t ask about him how he is at present, but ask how he was before he came proposing. Many guys tend to act smart by changing themselves completely but they only change for a period.
A profound meaning of the word Husnul khulq (beautiful manners):
This is the relationship between him and his fellow beings.
How is he to his parents, siblings, neighbors, teachers, and relatives? Is he an obedient son? Many fail to ask about these things, and once they see it’s a bearded guy with short trousers they think WOW! A sunnah guy! But, Rasul SAW told us to  know about his character too mind you. If he is disobedient to his mom, then know that he will do the same to you.
After checking up on these things and you find positive results, then all you need to do is the following:
1. Pray istikhara (don’t rush to istikhara before you do your own research because in istikhara you’re doing Tawakkul (relying on Allah’s help)
But Tawakkul is done after you try your best to find out about him and all things come positive.
What are the results of istikhara?
Don’t expect to get a dream about him(mind you, if you have fallen for him you are sure to dream about him anyway!).
The answer is in the dua of istikhara.
Good result:
You ask Allah if there’s khayr for you in this to—

فاقدره لي و يسره لي ثم بارك لي فيه

((To make it happen to you and make it easy for You and also put blessings in it for you)) That’s it!
But how will you know?
Simple,  you will see things flowing, everything going well, your mom and dad agreed and are happy. You feel contented too. For example if you are shopping for clothes and all, everything seems easily done, and wedding preparations is going well. You will see Allah’s help in it.
Then here it’s a straight yes.
Bad results:

فاصرفه عني و اصرفني عنه و اقدر لي الخير حيث كان ثم ارضني به

((Make it away from me and Make me away from it and bless me with another khayr wherever it is and also make me feel contented with it(another khayr) ))
That’s it!
You will see things go wrong, like your mom agreed but your dad disagreed. Or uncles, siblings, or even yourself. And whenever you try to move forward with it, you always see blocks on the way. Maybe getting things for the wedding becomes really hard. You will see things not going right at all. Then know that Allah didn’t plan him for you. Even if you see him as good for yourself. But if he is not meant to be yours then let go and rely on Allah.
If things go this way..then it’s a big NO.
Part 2 & 3 are up!

Written by: Sr. Amatullah B.M.



0 thoughts on “A step by step guidance to understanding marriage: Before marriage, what to do…(part 1)

  1. Can you please write about what a guy has to do before, during and after the marriage.?

    1. Jazaka Allah Khairan for commenting on what you would like us to write on next.
      Actually brother Sufyan, our DECEMBER theme is Marriage so this is a coincidence and do keep checking our blog to get enlightened more when we start swimming through this huge topic.
      Jazaka Allah Khairan and share to others

Jazaakumullah Khairan! Thank You! We appreciate your efforts to leave us a comment :)